🚩I GAVE IT ALL IN LOVE...

I have been falling in love since I was just 4 years of age. I remember coming back from school and telling my mother that mom, I'm gonna marry this cute guy in my class. He had to change his school and eventually we got out of touch. Then for me, love happened when I was in 4th grade and it was my actual first crush. Oh my god, I remember that all day long I used to gaze at him, even during my exams. He shifted to the senior branch the next year and after almost a year I got to see him. It was a great feeling. I remember that I was so crazy that I followed him wherever he went. I knew everything about him, his favourites, his bus number and his phone number. Oh, I can still memorise it as I used to call him 'n' number of times in a day and couldn't speak a word when he picked up the phone. I could never gather the courage to talk to him but just sent him greetings without my name on it but a tag 'secret admirer'. My friends told him about my feelings for him and he said 'no', not because he didn't like me but because he thought we were too young. He left school after a year or two.He used to come once every year, to see his friends and that time too I was just happy seeing him from a distance. Well, I won't say that it was 'love' as I continued having crushes every other day. I may say that that was the age of having crushes.

He came back to the city after three years and I realised that I didn't had any feelings left for him. I met him, ate lunch with him and got myself clicked. Though it's still one of my favourite pictures but I had moved on just after a month. I knew it wasn't love. But I truly still believed in it. Be it because of Bollywood films, predicting that somewhere, someone is made for u. Relationships started for me in 11th grade but they were just experiments. One was a phone friend, one was an internet friend, one was a stranger in sight and it was the journey about finding 'the one', but somewhere I knew that my 'the one' was not amongst them.

Part 1: After years, I got a crush on this very cute looking, tall and simple guy, who wore a golden watch, yes, that's what impressed me. He was a basketball player, but before I could have anymore feelings, I got to know that he already had a girlfriend. But there is god I believed, as he could see me.. The guy broke up with his girl because he had a crush over me, yes, it was love at first sight for him ! He proposed to me and I said 'yes' after six months as I knew that things were never perfect in my life and when he came, I thought how can everything get going so smoothly. Then started one of the best phases of my life. Yes, I was finally in love. We were together and everyone knew it. Our parents, the entire school, our colony members and every damn person in our lives. But as it is said, good things end early. Distance became the stronger part and our love got weaker before time. Yes, it was a mutual break up and we remained friends for a few years, then acquaintances and now we are mere strangers. He is happily married now to none other than one of our batchmates, who is a lovely human being. He is very happy in his life. But, let's get back to my story.

Part 2: I had entered college and what all I faced, I guess nobody of my age in a decent college would've experienced. My ragging went on for six months, while for others it was just a one month thing. The crowd in my so called Engineering College was too bad. I met this new phase of my life and he was 'the protector' for me. Because of him I could come out from that college and we were best of friends. I won't say that I fell for him, he asked me out and I said 'yes'. It was too early for me to fall again as I had just gone through a break up. I took almost a year to let go my past. I entered a new college, made new friends and with him it was just more of fun and friendship than a relationship. I fell for him after a year when I saw his dedication, his efforts which were without any expectations. Yes, I thought he was 'the one' with whom I could spend my entire life but twists were a part of my life. He was always clear about not marrying me because we belonged to different cultures and communities and I never questioned him. after he passed college, the recession phase started in the industries. It was his struggling period as he had no job and family expected him to earn. He was three years elder to me so that made him more mature and responsible. I was there with him like a pillar of strength. Did everything to make him feel good and less stressful. I tried my best to give him his space, encourage him to do well and also financially helped him from my entire pocket money which was just 300-500 Rs. back then in 2008. Soon he found a job, one which my mother only found for him. He was happy and fulfilled all his family responsibilties. Love was there for three years but started fading with the beginning of thefourth year. He started ignoring me, I could make out that he didn't want to talk to me that often, he didn't want to meet me, despite of the fact that we were almost neighbors. I had to force him for paying attention and I knew by then that 'the end' was coming. I had no grudges against him but just that that he was leaving me alone often especially when I needed him the most. I had dropped a year, couldn't get through any good college and my friends were all well placed. I was very lonely and that time, he didn't give me time, not even ten minutes a day. It was heartbreaking. I knew by then, I had to leave him because I didn't wanna be a responsibility, but a priority for him. I wanted to see him happy, with me or without me.  I left him but that didn't make any difference to him as he was by then very much used to live without me. I knew this was the end now. I had to stop playing with my own self. Just after a week or two he called me and confessed to me that he was cheating over me, with none other than his ex girlfriend. This ex was not like any other exes, but a very special one. Because she was the one who never valued him, humiliated him and never gave a damn about his efforts and she was the one about whom he used to say that he would not even like to see her even if they were left alone on Earth after a natural calamity. That's how much he hated her. But didnt take a while to get back to her and cheat me over with her. I still remember that night, I had gone to a wedding with my family and I couldnt stop crying. My family was worried and he was not taking my calls. That dark night was my life's first darkest nights. Presently, he too is married to none other than his ex and is happy in life. I got to know later that his ex, now who is his wife, belonged to the same culture and community as mine. I had nothing to say but laughed at myself. Yes, we are not in touch and I am glad about that. 

Part 3: Then I found him. He was 'the one', the one about whom I had been dreaming all my life. To my surprise I found love in a friend who was a friend for years almost as equal as my age. It just happened a fine day when we met as friends and it was all cool until we told each other just in fluke that we had a crush on each other but at different times. We laughed over it. We were friends so knew each other well. There were no boundations and no formalities. We talked and talked for hours and had a great lunch on the first day, the next day we went for a date and had our first drink together and the third day I knew that I was in love. Well, sounds like so usual, but this time it was different. He had to leave the next day and it was all uncertain. I asked him out and he was in a fix. He took time to say 'yes' and when he said yes, our lives changed. I waited for him for 2 months and then he was back and then 'love' had a new meaning, a new feeling. He made me feel the way I never felt. It was a beautiful feeling. We met everyday and everyday was new. Romance was defined to me through him, his way of expression and his affection. We gave
importance to each other to the extent that we forgot our own selves. But by a few more months, we started feeling that we were two very different individuals who are framed in a relationship. We both tried to change for each other but were unable to change our principles. It was unusual. He was right on his views and I was right over mine and it was so difficult to overcome them.  he had an unstable financial background, so I financed him from my then pocket money. All his loans taken from friends, meals and drinks outside, treats to his friends etc. were all handled by me, but I never cared. He was like family for me. Everyday with more arguments, fights, differences, our love grew. It grew stronger and more beautiful. But, we had, at least I didn't have any idea about how ugly this phase was going to become in the coming days. Our differences led to many issues and eventually he started showing his true colors. He became abusive and violent. He used to hit me and I used to go back home with bruises and had to lie to my family that I had an accident. This became so frequent that my parents started doubting my presence of mind and level or carefulness. This continued for almost three years in which he managed to cut me off from my friends and even aquaintances. I did great in my studies, while he did nothing in these three years and blamed me for disabling him to focus anywhere else as I made him feel insecure. Finally I filled an MBA form for him as he could get admission only there due to his low percentile in CAT. He joined the college soon and one night called me up and broke up with me over the phone. Before I could ask any reason, he blocked me from all possible channels. For almost two months I tried to find my answers, waited for him every day for 8-10 hours at the same cafe where we met everyday but he never came. But I got to know that he was cheating over me all throughout the relationship and used my money to call escorts and go to prostitutes. Yes, that was the ugly truth which was provided to me by our common friends when they saw me turning into an alcoholic and after they got to know that my liver has malfunctioned. I was drinking every night so that I could sleep. My questions were answered but still I couldnt believe anyone, even the valid proofs, pictures. I even visited the prostitutes which he used to visit and got confirmation about his usual presence in that area. I was hurt but got shattered the day one friend made him confess everything over a conference call when he had no idea about me being on the same call.  Life almost stopped after that and I was done for love by then. I started focusing on my career and family. Presently, he is happy in his life. Not guilty of anything that he did with me. He has a wonderful girlfriend who trusts him blindly like I did at one point of time.

But I never stopped falling in love. I fell again and again! With a batchmate in Masters, a school senior, one of my best friends, a school batchmate, my ex's best friend, yeah ! that too happened! But I never allowed anyone to overpower me and never got involved with any of them. I was happy with the incomplete yet fulfilling feeling of just being in love at different points of time. 

Part 4: Yes, this relationship happened almost after three years. I met him through a common friend. He was a completely different person and the thing that impressed me was his brutal honesty, which I had never seen in any of my past relationships. He had just broken up with his ex girlfriend and we met. We talked and talked for hours, and suddenly clicked ! He asked me out after a day or two and I was shocked and nervous, but wanted him in my life as I had never met anyone like him before. By this time, my family was making me meet guys for marriage and I was prepared for it. But he changed my life within four days. We started dating and everything was beautiful. He proposed to me for marriage. I was more than happy as he was the first one who actually thought that I was worthy enough to get married to. We both told our families and there was a lot of opposition as we had religious differences, he had a poor financial background and he was not settled in life. But we convinced our families and then things were as dreamy as they could be. We almost lived in together as our hostel was co-ed. We were like a married couple, as I behaved like a wife to him and he cared about me like a loving husband. I had all my scholarship money saved so I financed him completely, from his clothes to his mess bills to his eating, drinking, everything. But things were never easy in my life. I soon got to know that he was cheating over me with none other than his ex girlfriend and also with many more other girls. Yes ! Same story repeated but this time it was worse as I caught him four five times and always forgave him because he had his set of excuses like ' it was a mistake ', 'she talked me into it ', 'it was not at all special or emotional' etc. etc. He was a mix of both my bad exes because he cheated over me with his ex girlfriend and was also involved with other women, which to my surprise knew that I was his girlfriend and we were soon going to get married.This went on for a year and a half and eventually hr broke up with me and the next day went on a trip with her, with the money that he lent from me. Yes, this happened. I spoke to his family and they supported me until they got the information about him that they wanted and then they too abandoned me. There are much worse things that happened, which I never want to recall again. This was the ugliest relationship of my life which completely broke me and my spirit. Presently, he is in the same hostel, dating his ex who lives in with him. I see him every other day wearing my gifted clothes, using my gifted phone and going out on dates with her. No he never gave back the money that he lent from me and never apologized. 

I don't know how meaningless of meaningful my relationships have been. For me they were "the world" at a point of time. We do mistakes in life, learn from them. But with me, I have grown with them. I have understood what love is, in every phase. For some its just a one time affair, but for me it was of stages that I crossed. I met different people and loved them all. Never expected anything and now after such relationships, its not that I have lost hopes. I never punish someone else for the fault of others. I gave it all in love and just learnt one thing about my life.. that a dear friend always told me that I love like that i.e. To love.. to lose and to love again..

Medhavi