Para. Life goes on... with or without someone..( A Story )

I started smiling again, I started living again, even after dying a million deaths, even after an un-repairable heart-break. It took time, hours, weeks, months and years, but it happened and all this while life paused within me. Smiles visited occasionally, but just stayed within the outer shell, laughter came rarely, but just couldn't pass the translucent layers of loneliness. I gathered my own pieces everyday, but found them scattered all over, the next day. The vicious circle went on and on.

My self-confidence and self-respect had completely devastated. Whenever I looked into the mirror, all I could see were my tearful eyes. his violent acts, his heart-wrenching words, his betrayal haunted me every night. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't write, I couldn't talk much. I thought alcohol was the common solution, as I had seen in films and among the people I knew, so just adopted it as a solution. Alcohol soon became an alternative to sleeping pills for me. A week later were my final semester exams, I still remember going for them without studying a word and in extreme state of hangover, which led to my score dropping from a 70% level to a 50%. I had lost all hopes from life and just prayed for my own death. Tried ending my life many times, but the love of my mother grasped my hand every time I went weak. My best friend was another pillar of strength, who through her jokes and wit just helped me hold my broken pieces together. Alcohol soon showed its colors and my liver gave up its strength. My health issue was considered my carelessness with respect to my eating habits, the real reason was something stronger, a heart-break. 

But life again smiled at me, when my best friends opened my eyes and taught me to love myself again, respect myself again, find beauty in the mirror, wipe my tears permanently off my face and to just smile for real. There were times, when I slept with tears and woke up with a wet pillow, there were times, when I laughed, but ended up crying for hours, there were times when I decided to live again, but ended up sitting in the washroom with a blade in my hand. It wasn't depression, it was almost an experience of death every single day. But I overcame it, I had to, for my mother, for my friends and most crucially, for myself. It happened, I got over it.

It was one morning, when this miracle happened, my pillow wasn't wet, my eyes weren't swollen, I found myself prettier again, I could focus on my work, I could decide what to wear, how to match my clothes with my earrings, I could go shopping, I could gather the courage to call back my friends and apologize to them for ignoring them for a relationship that wasn't worth it. I rediscovered myself, I started loving myself again and just learnt one thing in a nutshell, I didn't need a person to be happy, I didn't need love to make me smile, I was enough for my own self. I started focusing on more substantial things in life, my friends, my family and my career and eventually realized that I had missed so much in life. I started collecting the scattered moments and eventually, my broken pieces too came back in place. I started meeting new people, I started listening, I started sharing, I started writing, I started singing, I started dancing, I started wandering and basically, I started being what I was, I started transforming myself back into what I was but with few major changes. I had become stronger, maturer, alert and much sensible. 

At present I am happy, I am happy that he betrayed me, I am happy that he broke my heart, I am happy that he is out of my life, but I'm sad that I'm so strong now, stronger to the extent that now I can't love again, stronger to the extent that I doubt my own judgement. But I believe in myself and I know one day another miracle would lead to another transformation, I will be strong enough to love again, and may be, to get heartbroken again, I will be again brave enough, to love to lose, and love again.

Medhavi

30.01.15