Para. The longest night

It was the longest night of my life, the day my best friend died in a sudden road accident. I didn't know what to think or feel, how to act or react, suddenly I didn't know how to live. There were moments when I felt like going to him, there were moments when I wanted to kill myself, there were moments of remorse, there were moments of regret, there were moments of hate, there were moments of guilt. It was an upside down ride that was complicating each thought in my mind. I was thinking and re-thinking and there was a certain recycling of thoughts.

I had so much to say to him and so much to ask. I had so many questions. I had so many apologies to give. I had so many complaints and we had so many moments yet to live. I remember how I couldn't sleep no matter how hard I tried. After hours of crying I reached a point when I couldn't breathe. Can you believe, I felt as if I didn't know how to breathe, and I was feeling choked and as if I was dying. It was insanely scary. I was coughing and went out running in the open and took the deepest of breaths. I was alone and it was mid-night and there was nobody to talk to. That night I understood how it is to live moment by moment. That night I knew what loss is.. how irrevocable few actions or situations can be. I wanted to be heard, I wanted to be talked to, but I understood that night how lonely I was actually. How unfair life is that I had no one to call at midnight. And how I have been that one for so many friends of mine but there was nobody for me. I didn't want sympathy. I just wanted a sort of distraction, a sort of assurance that I'll be fine. I remember I gathered my breaths and sat outside. Had tonnes of weird thoughts. It was the longest night because it was so hard to explain myself that he was gone, and now life will be like this, that is without him. I missed him. I still do. It's almost a year but I still hear him laugh, I still feel his presence, I still see his little miracles in my life. Wherever you are, I just wanted to say. I miss you. He used to say about me 'you are the best everything'; But actually he was the best everything. The best human I ever met, that covers all. He was beyond perfect. I miss him so much.

Wherever he is right now.. I'm sure he's eating the best food and that too from my favorite places, he's travelling the world and drinking all kinds of Rum from different places. He's learn new Chicken recipes and he's planning on his next life in my house in some way... because I know he will come back, because we have a hell lot to live and experience together. I miss him. I hope he remembers me. I hope he misses me too.

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