What am I to you... (state of mind)

I used to feel you slipping off my hands, inch by inch of you being assigned to her aura; but now things are changing. I can see you now, see you getting drawn to her, see your deep love for her, see your worried eyes, your concern.. Things are slipping from my hands and I stand here smiling, without an option apart from letting you go and hoping that maybe, maybe you will come back to me. I feel paralyzed at times, hopeless and lonely; but then I remember the good times with you, the laughters and the smiles, the day you knelt down before me and said 'I love you', the day you told me that you really wanted to marry me, the long walks, the meals together. But that all still doesn't change the feeling, that you are slipping and sliding slowly.

She doesnt have to hold your hand, she doesnt need a committment to make you hers, your soul, your heart, your breaths, your thoughts, belong to her and call for her. When you are in deep slumber at nights, and I can't sleep as I'm just looking at you, I always feel I can't get enough of you, and I come close to you and kiss your eyes, and you call out her name. This didn't happen just once, but happened so many times. But I decided to give up all, give up all for you, give in all for the love I have for you and make things work, no matter how hard it becomes.

I wanted to let you go, but you didnt want that. I wanted to see you with her, but you didn't want that too. But when she spoke ill of me, you didn't say a word back. She blamed me for stealing you from her, and you heard it all. She judged our relationship inappropriately, you took that insult by just saying the usual, 'Lets not discuss this!'.

I was hurt and it didn't leave my mind. Your sorrys' didn't help. Because the bitter truth was that you knew she was wrong, but like always, you defended her. You never cared to understand if things still bothered me. One call that she makes, drags you away from me, our moment, our love becomes secondary and things just prioritize her. I understand, its not that I don't, but I too get hurt. When you go out and speak to her, I think what sort of things you still have with her. You confuse me by being committed to her and saying 'I love you' to me. You hurt me by saying you wont ever talk to her and talking to her again. I forgive, & I try to forget, but the thought haunts me. So many nights I just went back to see you sleep, to see that calm on your face, to see that faint smile. That smile matters to me, even if its not because of me.

You have lost so much by being with her, you have suffered so  much. But once she comes before your eyes, you forget it all. She changed you, controlled you, in the name of love. She couldn't accept as you were and you just gave it all. When you were hers, she had the world, and now not a single friend ? You want to believe that nonsense, but Im not a dumb ass. She wants you back not because she loves you, but because she thinks you are her property and her toy should be around to be played with. Iv seen you saving penny by penny and spending like theres no tomorrow when it comes to her. Ive seen you looking at her in a way I wished you looked at me, with that smile, with that madness, with that thought, that Oh god, she is beautiful ! Its true that I am jealous of her, not because she's prettier, but she catches your eye, even in the worst possible attire. But I know, shes just not right for you, because she creates boundaries and limits for you, which in a way destroys your identity.

I know you like me, Im still not sure if you love me. You are letting me go and still being in a relationship with me. You can't promise a committment but desire all what a committment comprises of. You want my time, my love, my attention, and you to try your best to give me all that, but trust me, things dont work, when I can see the same things in you for her. You can't live a dual life.

I don't want to bind you in any manner. I love you and I cant chain you just because of that. I have always accepted things, seen them ruining my life, my relationships, my friendships, but didnt force over things, because I knew some things just weren't in my hands. I know you think, how do I bear such weird situations, why am I tolerating it all, why do I just smile and let things go, why do I just dont react? Its because there's no point in crying over things that were never yours and can never be yours.

I told you and still tell you that no matter how ugly things were between you and her, there are things that still exist, emotions that still cause pain, memories that would never fade and maybe love that you both don't acknowledge. And eventually you both will fall back together and maybe you both are just meant to be. And your answer like always is never what I or any other girlfriend, which I am supposedly in this story, would expect, but always the escapist answer, 'lets not discuss this at this moment'!

No matter how late you were getting, what emergencies existed, just one sentence would've saved me from crying and being sad that 'Baby, I am just going to help her. I love you. Remember that!' It hurts me, it really does. It hurts me when you prioritize her, the way you look at her,  when you say you aren't sure if you really love me; but you were sure you loved her. she was a trophy for you, she was everything.

What am I ?
Why am I in your life ?
Do you even need me ?